I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
