so that wasnt chicken after all
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
