i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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