So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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