I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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