Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
