I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
