you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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