Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
