I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Randomize
