aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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