I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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