I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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