Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize