They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
