i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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