I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
