Cold hands, warm shart.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
