I skipped work to stalk him.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
