Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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