Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
