i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
