soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
