Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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