I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
