Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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