Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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