at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
