I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
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