There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
