I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
