New low: just hacked my moms facebook
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
