I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
