dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
All the doctor said was why
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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