We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
