Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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