Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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