Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
