Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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