he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
