if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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