Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize