so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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