Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
