farters have to be the big spoon...
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
