Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
