i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
