At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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