I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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