I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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