I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
