I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
