Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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