Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
