How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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