Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
