so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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